On relationships (II)

A friend of mine recently opined (we were talking about one of our mutual friends) that [our friend] had gotten 'a thousand life points' ever since his recent marriage. She meant that his life had suddenly taken a turn for the better. And, of course, it was true. He got a better paying job, moved to a better house in a nice neighbourhood, and lost all traces that he had once been a bum like the rest of us. The 'rest of us' being, of course, the circle of friends which he was(is) a part of.

And looking back now, I realise that this has been true for a lot of people I've been associated with over the years. Now, I don't believe for a minute that it is the addition of a partner that brings about this change, because it's also something I've noticed occurring whenever a child is going to be in the future of someone. I believe that when one marries or conceives a child, one develops a sense of responsibility and strives much harder to give that person the life they belive the person deserves. Of course, the addition of a second income to the household (in the case of marriage or child support) doesn't hurt either. *cue studio laugh*

This realisation lead me to take a look at my life to see if there was anything or anyone I could develop a sense of responsibility towards which would afflict me with the drive to make my life better, so as to make theirs better. Sadly, there isn't. I mean, I have a girlfriend and all..... but she's fine where she is. I don't need to buy her stuff, or make sure the bills are paid on time so she has light and water and whatever the hell else females cant do without (sanitary napkins.... yeah) because her family provides for her beautifully. I still get the urge to buy her stuff.... and I do...... but I don't need to.

The most distressing part about this is that she feels that need to make sacrifices and do all she can to make my life better. Which is sweet, but makes me guilty as hell. *heartfelt sigh* I'm lying. This blog was supposed to be honest, right?

The truth is that I'm afraid to care so much about a person that their happiness is the deciding factor in making my decisions. I'm afraid that who I am, and my own happiness, will come second to this person. But that's not the real scare here. The real scare is: if I continue to be with this girl, I may not mind changing. And I may not mind getting that thousand life points at all......

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On painful experiences.....

One of the things I've often said is that I could have never become the person I am now without having been through the trials I've faced. Now, that's totally true, and I'm [relatively] ok with the person I am, but every now and then I wonder if it may have been better to have skipped a particular set of experiences.
As always, when I'm not doing anything my mind tends to wonder and delve into memories that leave me despondent and emotionally disturbed. This may be a contributing factor to my constant need to be distracted and/or in the company of other people. This also could partially explain why I mostly cloud my thinking processes with drugs when I'm feeling 'lonely'.
For a couple weeks now, I've been dwelling on this girl called Samantha. Not that we had a good relationship or anything...we never even kissed, actually... (yeah, yeah....go ahead and laugh). But she was special. She was the only person I could tell everything without reservation. We spent hours talking about life, shooting the breeze, laughing about stuff that happened at work.... She was an awesome friend.
However, one day I realized that I love her. It was rather devastating how I found out, actually.... She told me she was gonna move in with a guy. In hindsight, I think she told me in person just so she could see my expression. I tried to hide it but she had already seen.... She already knew.
In the night she called and told me that we couldn't be friends anymore. Her reason was that she loved me. I didn't understand though, until she sent me a text explaining that she had always loved me, but thought I wasn't interested. She then said the reason we couldn't be in contact was because she was pregnant for the dude and he loves her. She was positive that if we still kept in contact she would have to leave the dude for me. She didn't want to do that.
That was the most heart-rending thing that has ever happened to me, but I respected her. I kept my promise. I still check her facebook....still pump her friends for information about her....still miss our talks.... But she's moved on now, and I hope that someday, so will I.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

On How I Feel

On nothing in particular

Work gets annoying sometimes. Well, I suppose all people says that at one time or the other... But I honestly believe that spending almost 8 hours a day talking to persons who have no clue that pressing a button on the remote that's labelled 'Power' will cause their TV/DVD Player/etc. to turn on so they can interact with it is just a little bit more annoying than most other jobs.

But, today is not about my job (which I happen to love, btw). Well.... to be honest, I had a topic for today's post, but I was way too busy to type this up at the time and now I have no idea what it was *shrugs* .


Random ramblings:

-So today started out to be a Jason Mraz kinda day, but in the end I ended up listening to Gym Class Heroes all day long.

-I have developed an interesting obssession with Snaps (a snack) and grape-flavoured Tropicana (a drink).

-I work in a call centre, where I cover like....idk, about 10+ products, and I'm also a switchboard operator. Thus I have the unfortunate ability to sometimes transfer a call, only to have it back on my line. This happened no fewer than 3 times today.

-Ever noticed that it's easy to plan a budget, but almost impssible to stick to it? I've proven this so many times its annoying.

-I usually say I dont listen to dancehall music, but recently I've heard some kick-ass lyrics that made me laugh. I may start listening to it. That would mean that I actively listen to every type of music I can remember being exposed to!!

-My favourite expression is 'Jesu Christi!!!'

-I'm hypoglycemic but hyperactive (I have no idea how that works). I am also hypertensive. Nevertheless, I've never once been in danger from these things. Wanna know what landed me in hospital for 3 weeks? Not eating properly. I mean, kinda seems weird, but who am I to judge?

-Hospitals freak me out.

-I smile when i'm angry

-I sometimes throw random sentences in a conversation just to watch people become lost at the abrupt change in topic.

-I was a narcissist, supremeist, chauvanist child. I am a depressive, self-repressive, introverted adult. I have friends. None of the first 2 statements compliment the third.

-I love food (I will write on this one day, I promise)

- I am celibate by choice, compounded by circumstance.


So those were some fun facts about me. Well... maybe not fun, but definitely stuff that I think about.

So untill tomorrow, dear non-readers!

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

A fresh start....and related ramblings

Starting a new blog while I havent been keeping up with the old one? not really. My Random Posts blog was made for just that: random posts. Aside from that though, its rather hard to access tumblr from my work computer without breaking any laws, so that's a huge no-no. My solution: a new blog.

So this blog wont follow the precedent set by the old one.....or maybe it will. I actualy have no clue what direction this will take. The aim is, of course, that this will be a record of my journy to eventual self-enlightenment, but we all know that I'm no buddah; I simply lack the self restraint.

So, lets start with a managable goal first: I'll try to post at least once a day. This means that I'll end up posting quite a number of uneventful posts and quite possibly bore anyone who thinks of reading this, but I guess this blog isnt really for the public anyway. Its for me. More specifically, this is so that a couple years down the road I can look back and see what kind of progress I've made from this point. Some people do this with pictures.... I hate pictures I hate taking pictures of myself. (this is gonna take a while. Lets start a new paragraph).

Yes, so...I hate taking pictures of myself. This stems from waaay back. Dont get it twisted, I had no occurrences of my Mom or other family member calling me ugly or anythng. I just looked in the mirror one day and hated what I saw. I dont know why, I dont know how...... It just happened. After that, i searched all over the house, found all the pictures that had my face in them, and either tore them up (if I was the only person in the pic) or cut out my face. Just the face. The rest of the body was in no way significant (or is that significant in and of itself?)

Over the years, I've grown to at least tolerate the sight of myself, but I still hate pictures. I'll send pictures to other people (via bbm and such things) but if I see the pictures being displayed I fly into a rage (more on this later). Of course, this means that there are no mirrors in my room and I avoid the one in the bathroom as much as possible. This creates quite a stir whenever I *cough* entertain young ladies *cough* at my residence as they all seem to think living without a mirror is akin to being infected with all seven Major Sins (isn't it odd how that is an actual proper noun?) at once. Not kidding. That's what one girl said. Honest!

So.... apart from that, I love pictures. Especially those of naked women. Not to jerk off/wank/blow a wad/*insert masturbatory alias here* to, but because I admire women. Honestly, I hardly masturbate. Why? well...*steps on brakes*..... Let us not go off on a tangent. I'll explore that at length another time, in another post. Eventually. If i remember. Anyway, I love pics of women for their beauty. There is  primitive beauty in a naked woman. Look beyond the eroticism next time you see a naked woman (if you can) and you'sll see what I mean.

I think thats it for the day though.... gonna play around with themes and gadgets. Till next time....

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz