Hypocrite

I hate this empty feeling like my world's about to end. 

I listen to this preacher and his sermon makes me mad;

What kinda God would send me to the ninth level of hell,

Just to prove the fucking point that i cant do it by myself? 

I hope you know that i don't understand your fucking plan. 

Is this break me or make me into a better man?

I've always known that you work in some mysterious ways, 

But to wipe out my life in one day? Damn!

I finally realize that I don't have a word to say.

The fucking hate-filled lyrics just keep boiling in my brain.

I'd like to say "I'm sorry Jesus about what I said"

But that would be a fucking lie come from the deepest pit of hell!

I wanna stop these feelings sprouting poison in my brain

I think my fucking God isn't so so goddamn inhumane

To break my live so cleanly if he didn't have a plan

To turn my life around and lead me to the promised land. 

I hate this kind of nonsense about trusting just in God, 

I've been a skeptic almost since the time that I could walk, 

But somehow when my life is only broken wrecks of dreams, 

I become a hypocrite and beg you Lord to help me please. 

Lost, I guess

You know, let me apologize in advance for some of the shit that's gonna go down on this post. This post will contain expletives. If you do not wish to see any, then don't read past this point. 

I am one angry motherfucker. And this isn't even a healthy anger. You know, anger directed at anything in particular? naa. This shit is fucking uni-directional. I mean, its anger at a situation.....its just spilling over into everything else. And y everything I mean EVERY THING. I'm pissed at my mom (biological) for the shit she put me through when i was younger. I'm pissed at my father for never being there for me until it was way too fucking late for me to recover. I'm pissed at my little brother Glenroy for always being the 'cool' one, the athletic one, the one who everyone wanted to be around. 

I'm pissed at myself.....for so many fucking things I cant even begin to count. Shit.... I think this is the most truthful and spontaneous thing I've ever written. but even i all this truth...I know I'm lying to myself. I'm not really angry, u know? Its more like this anger is a front for what i really feel. I'm scared. I'm really and honestly scared of whats going to happen to me from here on. I don't have an anchor anymore. The one person who was with me through thick and thin.....whether we were together or not..... The one person above everyone else that I would trust with my life......just told me that they're cutting me off. 

What am I supposed to do now? Who will I talk to about the stuff i cant tell anyone else? When I'm feeling lonely and crying my eyes out who is going to tell me that i'll be fine....that someone loves me and its ok? I don't think she ever really understood what our relationship was about. She was always the strong one. And this has absolutely nothing to do with her being my gf or whatever. Not talking about romance right now. But she was quite literally the ying to my yang. And I'm afraid I don't know what comes after this. I honestly don't know what to do with my life anymore. 

This was never supposed to become so personal, actually. I just wanted to rage against some stuff and post, but...I guess the truth needed to be set free. I'm not angry anymore. I'm just lonely. I'm just cold. I'm.....lost, i guess. 

-Kapil Dev

-Necrodevz

On painful revelations

Some of us-the truly brave- sometimes try to find out what exactly a person thinks about them. This can be for many reasons. It can be because of a love interest, because of insecurity..... A number of things could be the cause. But whatever the cause, or the expectations, whenever a person comes out and lays all that they think about u on the table, it's almost always a terrible shock.

Sometimes its not exactly what they say that causes the shock, it's the way it is put across. If a person is full-out, completely straight with you, it's possible they are either completely pissed, or they have a grudge against you. Kinda works out to the same thing.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

On relationships (I)

Married people go on and on about the joys of married life and society (fueled by church indoctrination) also purports that 'getting hitched' is something to aspire to; but what is so good about being in a committed relationship, really? Is it the prospect of not having to go through the whole chase in search of getting laid? The prospect of not being alone and sharing your life with someone?

Now, the getting laid thing makes sense... A lot of sense, actually, but I can't imagine myself giving up my privacy and comfort to devote myself to satisfying the whims and demands of someone else just for that. I do recognise that there are some people who have an overwhelming need to either be needed, or to rely on someone. To those persons, do what u have to do: your sanity depends on it.

To the rest of us, however, don't suffer from such maladies. What's our excuse? Yes, I am fully aware that I said "Our" *bbm facepalm*.

The reason I included myself though, is that I have noticed a disturbing attraction to a particular female that I just cannot shake... But enough of that. Let's talk about being single.

Well.... Maybe not now. Battery is about to die. Ciao!

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

On Equivalent Exchange

Being a mostly logical person, the theory of equivalent exchange has always been how I try to live my life. If someone does a favour for me, I will either do a favour in return of the same magnitude, or a series of smaller favours. Of course, this value of magnitude is relative, and what I may consider a huge favour may seem like nothing to you. This may sometimes cause slight problems with how the repayment is taken by the other party.


A prime example is about a year ago when I was in a bit of a tight situation and a friend of mine helped me out (financially). Now, she's a bit well off and the amount she gave me was small to her, but the situation I was in made it a HUGE favour to me. So I started to pay her back a little at a time. It so happened that she asked for sex a couple times and I consented. After about a month, I considered my debt paid and turned down sex. She was distraught. Apparently she was of the impression that we were more than just friends with occasional benefits...... Because of that experience, I've started to make sure that boundaries-or lack thereof- in my relationships are clearly explained and pointed out.


But back to Equivalent Exchange. I am firmly of the belief that whatever you invest in a relationship determines the return that will be available. To this end, I have decided that if I am to enter a relationship, I will endeavour to accept wholeheartedly all of the peculiarities of my partner and try to make allowances. This, theoretically, will ensure that the same courtesies will be extended to me.


Not that I have many...um...oddities, but I do have a couple. For example, I love cereal and will become a beast if any1 touches my Reeces Puffs, Lucky Charms, Honey Nut Cheerio's or Frosted flakes. I also snack constantly, and will therefore flatly refuse to eat food. Then of course, there are the days when I will go hours without eating or feeling hungry. Um... that was just 1, btw.....


LOL.


So back to the topic. In investing so much of myself, I therefore close off other parts of my life. For example, If I'm in a relationship then I lose the option to play around (i.e. have sex with) other women without the consent of my partner. That is annoying, but necessary if the relationship is to work. And this has pretty much how it is, with anything in life.


The principle of equivalent exchange is actually mostly associated with Alchemy, where the product of any alchemic reaction is only as great as the sum of it's parts, and to receive anything, something of equal value must be offered. To this end, I have adopted a quote from an unknown source which I read quite a while ago in some book of the sort.

"People must make a choice as to whether their 'Desires' are worth the 'Cost' that they require..."

Lovely, isn't it?


-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

#A/N: The Pic in the background is a part of the Achemic circle.

On love and CP

It's the age-old question: "How do I know that what I'm feeling is truly love?" Well.... I don't particularly know anyone who has that answer down pat. In fact, I'd venture to say that the people who purport to know the most about this phenomenon of 'Love' are just as befuddled as the rest of us when it comes on to knowing which of the god-knows-how-many billions of people on the planet is........*drum roll*.......'The One".

"The One"- The only person in this world who is such a perfect fit for you that the whimsical notion of  'Happy Ever After' becomes a certainty instead of a virtually nonexistent possibility.

Yeah... I think its a load of crap. There is no way anyone can convince me that in this world there is only one person that you'll be forever happy with. Do you know what the odds of meeting that person would be? Take the number of the earth's total population (xbillion), subtract 1 (x-1 billion) and divide 1 by that number (1/(x-1 billion)). That's a probability of nil in my mind.

So what then is the answer?

DISCLAIMER: I am in no way an expert on love matters. This is my PERSONAL opinion.

I think that there are people with whom the probability of compatibility is significantly higher than with others. If we want to look at this from a logical standpoint, lets apply math to the situation, i.e.

A perfect score for a relationship is 100 cp(compatibility points). It represents a 100% chance that there will be a lasting relationship of 20 or more years. If I (for example) have a relationship value of 35cp, the person that would be most compatible with me would be a person with a relationship value of 65cp, thus giving the relationship a perfect value of 100cp.

Of course, nothing in life is that simple. People are firstly creatures of change, so a person's cp now may not be the same as it was last week or even a month ago. This would introduce a variable we'll refer to as 'cp variance' to the equation. Cp variance is the raising or lowering of cp due to a person's current mindset, emotional orientation and interests. Ideally, the cp variance of a pair of people would be inversely proportional to each other at the same frequency (no need to explain that I think).

So far, if we could find out what factors determine cp and then introduce a workable scale model we could probably create some equation which we could then label the 'matchmaker's equation' and use that to predict if the pairing of two people would survive or not. But that would take the fun out of relationships. people would hook up because the'll be able to live a life with the ideal, compatible partner.

So lets shake it up. Lets factor in attraction. This is what makes relationships sizzle, spark and ignite the flames of passion. It also complicates the matchmaker's equation to such a degree that it becomes almost impossible to think about. I mean.... we usually says that we are attracted to a 'type' of person, that is, if we are attracted to a series of persons we would expect them to share certain physical or mental characteristics. But how many times have you been attracted to someone so far outside of your comfort zone that you have to take a really good look at yourself or wonder what you're doing?

Yeah, I thought so..... too many times to count, right? I wont even bother trying to go into that. I'm not qualified and I really don't care anyway. The truth is, I enjoy the trial and error process, no matter how much it may hurt to break up with someone that you thought had a high probability of being "The One" (lol), and I think life would be really boring otherwise.

Ciao

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz