Addicted

I feel like I don't wanna go home, 

To my old empty bed and a house that's so cold. 

So I trod along with my face looking down

Cuz I don't want no-one to see these tears of a clown. 

I don't know why I ever let it get this far, 

I should just end it now and jump in front a moving car.

But whether I'm delusional or maybe just a coward, 

I'll keep hoping u'll come back before my closing hour

Never really felt like a fool in love, 

Always been the one to do the breaking up, 

And even though you're not my girl its cool, 

'Cept when u cut me off u knocked my whole head loose. 

I used be the manager of my own game, 

Always used to be the pilot of my own airplane, 

And I'm wondering when u became the master of my circus,

Cuz u know I'd never give away that title on purpose.

Trying to figure out why I depend on you, 

Cant just be about the little things you do

We don't make love. Its against your religion.  

Cant drink or smoke cuz u say it's sicknin'.

And all the other things u don't want me to do, 

Is killing all the habits that distract me from you,

And when you're all that's left and you become an addiction,

You cut me loose....And watch me drift into oblivion. 

On relationships (II)

A friend of mine recently opined (we were talking about one of our mutual friends) that [our friend] had gotten 'a thousand life points' ever since his recent marriage. She meant that his life had suddenly taken a turn for the better. And, of course, it was true. He got a better paying job, moved to a better house in a nice neighbourhood, and lost all traces that he had once been a bum like the rest of us. The 'rest of us' being, of course, the circle of friends which he was(is) a part of.

And looking back now, I realise that this has been true for a lot of people I've been associated with over the years. Now, I don't believe for a minute that it is the addition of a partner that brings about this change, because it's also something I've noticed occurring whenever a child is going to be in the future of someone. I believe that when one marries or conceives a child, one develops a sense of responsibility and strives much harder to give that person the life they belive the person deserves. Of course, the addition of a second income to the household (in the case of marriage or child support) doesn't hurt either. *cue studio laugh*

This realisation lead me to take a look at my life to see if there was anything or anyone I could develop a sense of responsibility towards which would afflict me with the drive to make my life better, so as to make theirs better. Sadly, there isn't. I mean, I have a girlfriend and all..... but she's fine where she is. I don't need to buy her stuff, or make sure the bills are paid on time so she has light and water and whatever the hell else females cant do without (sanitary napkins.... yeah) because her family provides for her beautifully. I still get the urge to buy her stuff.... and I do...... but I don't need to.

The most distressing part about this is that she feels that need to make sacrifices and do all she can to make my life better. Which is sweet, but makes me guilty as hell. *heartfelt sigh* I'm lying. This blog was supposed to be honest, right?

The truth is that I'm afraid to care so much about a person that their happiness is the deciding factor in making my decisions. I'm afraid that who I am, and my own happiness, will come second to this person. But that's not the real scare here. The real scare is: if I continue to be with this girl, I may not mind changing. And I may not mind getting that thousand life points at all......

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On How I Feel

On Country Music

So, I consider Country Music the most depressing genre of music you can ever listen to. Every other song is about either a broken heart, or unrequited love. Nevertheless, I love country. I find that sometime, when I'm curled up im my bed and I'm so depressed I can hardly find the will to draw anothe breath, listening to something so much more depressing than my paltry experiences drives me to tears. And tears are good for me when depressed. It's like opening the tap to let out some of those emotions so I dont feel so full and unable to function.

Remember I said that every other song is about unrequited love, etc? The other half of the songs are about love. And I'm telling u, these country artists spare nothing when describing how they want-or imagine-love to be. I love country music, really. But that should be obvious by now. lol.

While I am in no wise a hardcore country fan (I listen to too many different genres of music for that), and thus may not really know may more artists than those who are very famous, or those I find by crawling around on youtube, the music I've been exposed to in this genre has always been extraordinary.

*Listens to Country Music*

Yes. I love it.

Looking back at this, this is probably the shortest post I've put up about anything.......

Well, watever!

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On depression

Depression has always been a problem for me. Well, not really a problem. More like an annoying happenstance. I frequently go through periods that leave me so absolutely dispirited that it requires the use of *cough* 'uppers' to put me in a frame of mind which will allow me to leave my house and go to work.

Depression is a problem that almost everyone will have to face a couple times in their life, whether it's that boyfriend who left you for your best friend, or that husband who beats you for no reason.... You may even be like me, and get depressed because of......well.....no reason at all.

Well, it's a bit harsh to say no reason. I get depressed over simple stuff: there's too much sun.... not enough sun.... too much wind....not enough wind.... Simple stuff, actually. I guess that makes me maniac depressive? *googles*

So... I've always said i was Maniac Depressive, I just didnt know that it was another name for bi-polar disorder, which you may have noticed was something that a person with the disorder  diagnosed me as having!!! *facepalm* Well, be that as it may, I get depressed. Constantly. Like stand-at-the-top-of-a-building-and-wonder-if-it-would-be-better-to-jump-off type of depressed.

Not that I jump.... but I wonder. I used to cut myself (those familiar with my tumblr blog already know this). Eventually though, i found a more pleasurable way to manage my depression. I am a great fan of music and I am also very sususceptible to the emotions broadcasted by what I am currently listening to. Noticing this, i performed a series of experiments on myself that resulted in what I dubbed 'audiotherapy'. Now, I am aware that this is a real therapy process, but I have no clue if they do it the way I do...*googles*

So... It's called 'Music Therapy', and there is a branch of it that interests me, namely neurological music therapy. It deals which what areas of the brain are stimulated by what types of music and how this translates into emotional and cognitive stimulation. I should read up on this more.

But anyway, its an idea. I don't know if there will be anyone reading this who'll be depressed, but it's worth a shot, right?

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On Mental Health

While I've never been diagnosed with any sort of mental disorder, I've always been convinced that I was a bit closer to insanity than most people. This, of course was verified when I hooked up (no.....not that way, u dirty-minded freaks!!) with a friend of mine over the weekend. It turns out she's bi-polar, and has therefore labelled me as such because she is convinced that I have all the symptoms. Now.... It's quite possible that I might, since I've never actually submitted to a psych evaluation, but after spending most of my life getting ready to be locked away in a padded cell, Bi-polarity is pretty much a relief.

It also helped to understand why I thought for awhile that there were two personalities in my brain. This came about because sometimes I have conflicting thoughts on the same issue, or conflicting emotions about the same situation or person. I don't mean ur typical "I want her even though she's ugly and unattractive" kinda thoughts. It's more like, "That girl is totally hot! I love her skin...those eyes just seem to draw me in....wanna kiss those lips..." and "Jesu Christi!!! WTF is wrong with that girl!!! why is she lookin over here? damn ugly cow.....". That was not a fictional example. I actually thought that about a girl I met at a club last year.

Of course, if I am indeed bi-polar, it explains that. It also explains how I can transition from icy composure to blind rage without a trigger, only for that to dissolve into pure and unadulterated lust.....Um...ok. maybe it doesn't explain that last part.

Separately though, I've resolved to do some digging into what exactly makes a person bi-polar and what exactly triggers it. I think it will be a fun experience as long as I don't allow it to rule my life. Of course, this is if I have it in the first place... lol.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz