On relationships (II)

A friend of mine recently opined (we were talking about one of our mutual friends) that [our friend] had gotten 'a thousand life points' ever since his recent marriage. She meant that his life had suddenly taken a turn for the better. And, of course, it was true. He got a better paying job, moved to a better house in a nice neighbourhood, and lost all traces that he had once been a bum like the rest of us. The 'rest of us' being, of course, the circle of friends which he was(is) a part of.

And looking back now, I realise that this has been true for a lot of people I've been associated with over the years. Now, I don't believe for a minute that it is the addition of a partner that brings about this change, because it's also something I've noticed occurring whenever a child is going to be in the future of someone. I believe that when one marries or conceives a child, one develops a sense of responsibility and strives much harder to give that person the life they belive the person deserves. Of course, the addition of a second income to the household (in the case of marriage or child support) doesn't hurt either. *cue studio laugh*

This realisation lead me to take a look at my life to see if there was anything or anyone I could develop a sense of responsibility towards which would afflict me with the drive to make my life better, so as to make theirs better. Sadly, there isn't. I mean, I have a girlfriend and all..... but she's fine where she is. I don't need to buy her stuff, or make sure the bills are paid on time so she has light and water and whatever the hell else females cant do without (sanitary napkins.... yeah) because her family provides for her beautifully. I still get the urge to buy her stuff.... and I do...... but I don't need to.

The most distressing part about this is that she feels that need to make sacrifices and do all she can to make my life better. Which is sweet, but makes me guilty as hell. *heartfelt sigh* I'm lying. This blog was supposed to be honest, right?

The truth is that I'm afraid to care so much about a person that their happiness is the deciding factor in making my decisions. I'm afraid that who I am, and my own happiness, will come second to this person. But that's not the real scare here. The real scare is: if I continue to be with this girl, I may not mind changing. And I may not mind getting that thousand life points at all......

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On painful experiences.....

One of the things I've often said is that I could have never become the person I am now without having been through the trials I've faced. Now, that's totally true, and I'm [relatively] ok with the person I am, but every now and then I wonder if it may have been better to have skipped a particular set of experiences.
As always, when I'm not doing anything my mind tends to wonder and delve into memories that leave me despondent and emotionally disturbed. This may be a contributing factor to my constant need to be distracted and/or in the company of other people. This also could partially explain why I mostly cloud my thinking processes with drugs when I'm feeling 'lonely'.
For a couple weeks now, I've been dwelling on this girl called Samantha. Not that we had a good relationship or anything...we never even kissed, actually... (yeah, yeah....go ahead and laugh). But she was special. She was the only person I could tell everything without reservation. We spent hours talking about life, shooting the breeze, laughing about stuff that happened at work.... She was an awesome friend.
However, one day I realized that I love her. It was rather devastating how I found out, actually.... She told me she was gonna move in with a guy. In hindsight, I think she told me in person just so she could see my expression. I tried to hide it but she had already seen.... She already knew.
In the night she called and told me that we couldn't be friends anymore. Her reason was that she loved me. I didn't understand though, until she sent me a text explaining that she had always loved me, but thought I wasn't interested. She then said the reason we couldn't be in contact was because she was pregnant for the dude and he loves her. She was positive that if we still kept in contact she would have to leave the dude for me. She didn't want to do that.
That was the most heart-rending thing that has ever happened to me, but I respected her. I kept my promise. I still check her facebook....still pump her friends for information about her....still miss our talks.... But she's moved on now, and I hope that someday, so will I.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

On relationships (I)

Married people go on and on about the joys of married life and society (fueled by church indoctrination) also purports that 'getting hitched' is something to aspire to; but what is so good about being in a committed relationship, really? Is it the prospect of not having to go through the whole chase in search of getting laid? The prospect of not being alone and sharing your life with someone?

Now, the getting laid thing makes sense... A lot of sense, actually, but I can't imagine myself giving up my privacy and comfort to devote myself to satisfying the whims and demands of someone else just for that. I do recognise that there are some people who have an overwhelming need to either be needed, or to rely on someone. To those persons, do what u have to do: your sanity depends on it.

To the rest of us, however, don't suffer from such maladies. What's our excuse? Yes, I am fully aware that I said "Our" *bbm facepalm*.

The reason I included myself though, is that I have noticed a disturbing attraction to a particular female that I just cannot shake... But enough of that. Let's talk about being single.

Well.... Maybe not now. Battery is about to die. Ciao!

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

On a rant

So I am rather upset at myself....but that's not what this post is about. Um......what was it about again? Um......shit. My thoughts are too jumbled to focus on anything....... Forgive me dear reader, give me a second so I can rant.

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Thank you for your patience. Today, I'm pissed. It has always been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but it has never been as real to me as it was earlier today. I am totally and completely certain that I am as big a moron as ever walked this earth. I mean, what kind of person pokes fun at someone who's looking to them for understanding and support? A moron, that's who. But, my intentions were good. I was just trying to cheer her up, I swear!!

But the ends, as I found out, do not always justify the means.

I am prepared, however, to ask for forgiveness (as soon as she consents to speak with me again) and endeavour to make sure it doesn't happen again. Of course, there's always the chance that I have been deemed unfit and have been deleted from bbm, blocked from fb and unfollowed on twitter....*checks* Naa, seems I'm good for now.

Writing is therapeutic. I should write more. At least I can now manage a wry smile instead of the......um.....whatever that was.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On Life

Went off the reservation (Kingston) for the first time in a while these past couple days. It was oddly disquieting to find out that my lil brother is growing up just as I did. He's a quiet kid who doesnt really talk to people and hangs out in the library when he's at school. He's also got the same knack for Math that I had when I was at his age. Wonder if he'll get bored of it too?

I also found out that its fun to just chill and hang out. I mean.... that constant presure for sex I've gotten used to feeling from the opposite sex was absent. I couldtalk about anything and everything.... And u know what? We did! I swear, it was the most amazing non-sex time I've spent with a female. And I hope to do it again.

There's something immensely satisfying about talking, just talking..... No expectations, no censoring, just rambling on about anything that came to mind. But there were times when my train of thought was derailed by her smile.... by her eyes....

I should probably talk about this since its on my mind this much. Her lips... her lips are like..um... idk.... but if I had a lip type, her's would definitely take the cake. She has times when she smiles and it figuratively takes my breath away....

Ok. If i keep on writing about her I'll start writing poems again, and I dont wanna go down that road right now. So, back to the fam. I am astonished to realize that I have no idea how to spell the names of my 2 smallest sisters. That is bad. I should change that. for the moment, however, I'll just spell them phoneticallly. The eldest of the 2 is Katarini (Katarina? (Katurina? (Katurini?))) and she is a little wise-ass! She has a comeback for everything, I swear! She should be a lawyer. And the ego of this girl!! OMG! If she doesnt develop a superiority complex, it would mean that she's been to a shrink. Yes, i'm serious.

Then there's the angel.... my baby... Katuree (Katurie?), who is easily the cutest girl in the world!!! She's so affectionate too! Sometimes I wished she lived with me because I'd never feel lonely if she's there; she gives me all hugs and kisses I need.

*sigh* I should probably explain why this is important. I hate people touching me without permission. At the same time, I love to be touched. When I was younger I was of the impression that there was some sort of were-animal in my blood because I exhibited a lot of mental characteristics of a pack animal. That is to say, I loved to be touched; I was extremely defensive of things and people I considered to be mine, and my 'mate' (I am not kidding. I thought like this!); I was extremely territorial (any1 who touched my books was dead!)..... well.... looking at it now, I was probably just looking for an escape from the 'real'. lol.

Well, It wasnt long after that when I realized that books were just fantasy written down on paper. I also developed the ability to read and imagine at the same time. It became addictive. My fantasies were so real that more than once I can remember telling some1 about a movie that I've watched that was so awesome, only to realize that it was actually a book that I've read. The image was so vivid in my mind that I thought it was a movie.

It got worse. It was more pleasurable to retreat into the depths of my mind than to stay in reality. I spent hours... sometimes days locked away in a room with only my books, venturing to 'this' reality only when hunger or fatigue forcibly pulled me from 'my' reality. For that's what it was.... My reality. It was more real to me than the fantasy of school, the annoying people who caled themselves family and wanted me to leave the room,. the annoying people who called themselves friends who wanted me to run around like a barbarian and act like a monkey, the annoying people called teachers who thought that the simple stuff they were trying to teach was of a higher priority than my books...... lol. I was a crazy kid.

It got to the point where my fantasies started to encroach on the real world. I would be walking and I would go through this immense adventure, only to be jarred back to reality when I walked up into a wall, or a lightpost, or when some1 started asking me why I was staring at a blank wall, or when I tripped over a stone, or when a car blew suddenly because I was about to walk into it...... A lot of stuff.

I was a troubled kid.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On Sylphe...

Sylphe...sweet butterfly....
Kiss these lips of mine....
Flutter daintily across my skin......
Gently drift your wings across my soul....
Land on my heart forevermore......


-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz