On Life

Went off the reservation (Kingston) for the first time in a while these past couple days. It was oddly disquieting to find out that my lil brother is growing up just as I did. He's a quiet kid who doesnt really talk to people and hangs out in the library when he's at school. He's also got the same knack for Math that I had when I was at his age. Wonder if he'll get bored of it too?

I also found out that its fun to just chill and hang out. I mean.... that constant presure for sex I've gotten used to feeling from the opposite sex was absent. I couldtalk about anything and everything.... And u know what? We did! I swear, it was the most amazing non-sex time I've spent with a female. And I hope to do it again.

There's something immensely satisfying about talking, just talking..... No expectations, no censoring, just rambling on about anything that came to mind. But there were times when my train of thought was derailed by her smile.... by her eyes....

I should probably talk about this since its on my mind this much. Her lips... her lips are like..um... idk.... but if I had a lip type, her's would definitely take the cake. She has times when she smiles and it figuratively takes my breath away....

Ok. If i keep on writing about her I'll start writing poems again, and I dont wanna go down that road right now. So, back to the fam. I am astonished to realize that I have no idea how to spell the names of my 2 smallest sisters. That is bad. I should change that. for the moment, however, I'll just spell them phoneticallly. The eldest of the 2 is Katarini (Katarina? (Katurina? (Katurini?))) and she is a little wise-ass! She has a comeback for everything, I swear! She should be a lawyer. And the ego of this girl!! OMG! If she doesnt develop a superiority complex, it would mean that she's been to a shrink. Yes, i'm serious.

Then there's the angel.... my baby... Katuree (Katurie?), who is easily the cutest girl in the world!!! She's so affectionate too! Sometimes I wished she lived with me because I'd never feel lonely if she's there; she gives me all hugs and kisses I need.

*sigh* I should probably explain why this is important. I hate people touching me without permission. At the same time, I love to be touched. When I was younger I was of the impression that there was some sort of were-animal in my blood because I exhibited a lot of mental characteristics of a pack animal. That is to say, I loved to be touched; I was extremely defensive of things and people I considered to be mine, and my 'mate' (I am not kidding. I thought like this!); I was extremely territorial (any1 who touched my books was dead!)..... well.... looking at it now, I was probably just looking for an escape from the 'real'. lol.

Well, It wasnt long after that when I realized that books were just fantasy written down on paper. I also developed the ability to read and imagine at the same time. It became addictive. My fantasies were so real that more than once I can remember telling some1 about a movie that I've watched that was so awesome, only to realize that it was actually a book that I've read. The image was so vivid in my mind that I thought it was a movie.

It got worse. It was more pleasurable to retreat into the depths of my mind than to stay in reality. I spent hours... sometimes days locked away in a room with only my books, venturing to 'this' reality only when hunger or fatigue forcibly pulled me from 'my' reality. For that's what it was.... My reality. It was more real to me than the fantasy of school, the annoying people who caled themselves family and wanted me to leave the room,. the annoying people who called themselves friends who wanted me to run around like a barbarian and act like a monkey, the annoying people called teachers who thought that the simple stuff they were trying to teach was of a higher priority than my books...... lol. I was a crazy kid.

It got to the point where my fantasies started to encroach on the real world. I would be walking and I would go through this immense adventure, only to be jarred back to reality when I walked up into a wall, or a lightpost, or when some1 started asking me why I was staring at a blank wall, or when I tripped over a stone, or when a car blew suddenly because I was about to walk into it...... A lot of stuff.

I was a troubled kid.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz