Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Sunday, 13 January 2013

Addicted


I feel like I don't wanna go home, 
To my old empty bed and a house that's so cold. 
So I trod along with my face looking down
Cuz I don't want no-one to see these tears of a clown. 
I don't know why I ever let it get this far, 
I should just end it now and jump in front a moving car.
But whether I'm delusional or maybe just a coward, 
I'll keep hoping u'll come back before my closing hour

Never really felt like a fool in love, 
Always been the one to do the breaking up, 
And even though you're not my girl its cool, 
'Cept when u cut me off u knocked my whole head loose. 
I used be the manager of my own game, 
Always used to be the pilot of my own airplane, 
And I'm wondering when u became the master of my circus,
Cuz u know I'd never give away that title on purpose.

Trying to figure out why I depend on you, 
Cant just be about the little things you do
We don't make love. Its against your religion.  
Cant drink or smoke cuz u say it's sicknin'.
And all the other things u don't want me to do, 
Is killing all the habits that distract me from you,
And when you're all that's left and you become an addiction,
You cut me loose....And watch me drift into oblivion. 

Friday, 8 June 2012

On relationships (II)

A friend of mine recently opined (we were talking about one of our mutual friends) that [our friend] had gotten 'a thousand life points' ever since his recent marriage. She meant that his life had suddenly taken a turn for the better. And, of course, it was true. He got a better paying job, moved to a better house in a nice neighbourhood, and lost all traces that he had once been a bum like the rest of us. The 'rest of us' being, of course, the circle of friends which he was(is) a part of.

And looking back now, I realise that this has been true for a lot of people I've been associated with over the years. Now, I don't believe for a minute that it is the addition of a partner that brings about this change, because it's also something I've noticed occurring whenever a child is going to be in the future of someone. I believe that when one marries or conceives a child, one develops a sense of responsibility and strives much harder to give that person the life they belive the person deserves. Of course, the addition of a second income to the household (in the case of marriage or child support) doesn't hurt either. *cue studio laugh*

This realisation lead me to take a look at my life to see if there was anything or anyone I could develop a sense of responsibility towards which would afflict me with the drive to make my life better, so as to make theirs better. Sadly, there isn't. I mean, I have a girlfriend and all..... but she's fine where she is. I don't need to buy her stuff, or make sure the bills are paid on time so she has light and water and whatever the hell else females cant do without (sanitary napkins.... yeah) because her family provides for her beautifully. I still get the urge to buy her stuff.... and I do...... but I don't need to.

The most distressing part about this is that she feels that need to make sacrifices and do all she can to make my life better. Which is sweet, but makes me guilty as hell. *heartfelt sigh* I'm lying. This blog was supposed to be honest, right?

The truth is that I'm afraid to care so much about a person that their happiness is the deciding factor in making my decisions. I'm afraid that who I am, and my own happiness, will come second to this person. But that's not the real scare here. The real scare is: if I continue to be with this girl, I may not mind changing. And I may not mind getting that thousand life points at all......

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

Sunday, 1 April 2012

On painful experiences.....

One of the things I've often said is that I could have never become the person I am now without having been through the trials I've faced. Now, that's totally true, and I'm [relatively] ok with the person I am, but every now and then I wonder if it may have been better to have skipped a particular set of experiences.
As always, when I'm not doing anything my mind tends to wonder and delve into memories that leave me despondent and emotionally disturbed. This may be a contributing factor to my constant need to be distracted and/or in the company of other people. This also could partially explain why I mostly cloud my thinking processes with drugs when I'm feeling 'lonely'.
For a couple weeks now, I've been dwelling on this girl called Samantha. Not that we had a good relationship or anything...we never even kissed, actually... (yeah, yeah....go ahead and laugh). But she was special. She was the only person I could tell everything without reservation. We spent hours talking about life, shooting the breeze, laughing about stuff that happened at work.... She was an awesome friend.
However, one day I realized that I love her. It was rather devastating how I found out, actually.... She told me she was gonna move in with a guy. In hindsight, I think she told me in person just so she could see my expression. I tried to hide it but she had already seen.... She already knew.
In the night she called and told me that we couldn't be friends anymore. Her reason was that she loved me. I didn't understand though, until she sent me a text explaining that she had always loved me, but thought I wasn't interested. She then said the reason we couldn't be in contact was because she was pregnant for the dude and he loves her. She was positive that if we still kept in contact she would have to leave the dude for me. She didn't want to do that.
That was the most heart-rending thing that has ever happened to me, but I respected her. I kept my promise. I still check her facebook....still pump her friends for information about her....still miss our talks.... But she's moved on now, and I hope that someday, so will I.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

On relationships (I)

Married people go on and on about the joys of married life and society (fueled by church indoctrination) also purports that 'getting hitched' is something to aspire to; but what is so good about being in a committed relationship, really? Is it the prospect of not having to go through the whole chase in search of getting laid? The prospect of not being alone and sharing your life with someone?

Now, the getting laid thing makes sense... A lot of sense, actually, but I can't imagine myself giving up my privacy and comfort to devote myself to satisfying the whims and demands of someone else just for that. I do recognise that there are some people who have an overwhelming need to either be needed, or to rely on someone. To those persons, do what u have to do: your sanity depends on it.

To the rest of us, however, don't suffer from such maladies. What's our excuse? Yes, I am fully aware that I said "Our" *bbm facepalm*.

The reason I included myself though, is that I have noticed a disturbing attraction to a particular female that I just cannot shake... But enough of that. Let's talk about being single.

Well.... Maybe not now. Battery is about to die. Ciao!

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

On a rant

So I am rather upset at myself....but that's not what this post is about. Um......what was it about again? Um......shit. My thoughts are too jumbled to focus on anything....... Forgive me dear reader, give me a second so I can rant.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!


Thank you for your patience. Today, I'm pissed. It has always been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but it has never been as real to me as it was earlier today. I am totally and completely certain that I am as big a moron as ever walked this earth. I mean, what kind of person pokes fun at someone who's looking to them for understanding and support? A moron, that's who. But, my intentions were good. I was just trying to cheer her up, I swear!!

But the ends, as I found out, do not always justify the means.

I am prepared, however, to ask for forgiveness (as soon as she consents to speak with me again) and endeavour to make sure it doesn't happen again. Of course, there's always the chance that I have been deemed unfit and have been deleted from bbm, blocked from fb and unfollowed on twitter....*checks* Naa, seems I'm good for now.

Writing is therapeutic. I should write more. At least I can now manage a wry smile instead of the......um.....whatever that was.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

On Pon and Zi

So there's this marvelous pairof cute little characters that I've loved for years. One is Pon and the other is Zi. I dont really remember which is which, but you should take a look at them. Gonna post a couple samples here and also the link to their website.

Ok. Couldnt get it to show exactly as I want so.....

Just check this out!!!!!


http://www.azuzephre.net/azuzephre.net/Media/slideshow.html?backgroundColor=rgb(0%2C%200%2C%200)&reflectionHeight=100&reflectionOffset=2&captionHeight=100&fullScreen=0&transitionIndex=2

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz